To Write, or not to Write...

Seems every time I write here, it's to vent to some degree. A lot of the time I try to mask it as an update (or use an update to justify a rant), but I want to change that. Much of my lack of writing is in fact, because I have nothing art related to write about. But a sister of mine helped me to realize that writing can help one through many of life's situations. I can easily write in a document on my computer, away from the judgments of others. So why post my thoughts here, where people can easily attack me? “Well, why not?” I ask back. I don't claim to be anyone special, nor do I think I have much to offer in the way of interesting reading. But I do know that I've always been afraid of sharing my thoughts and feelings with others. If nothing else, this is my way of “flipping the bird” to that fear. And who knows, maybe by working through my own issues, I can help show others how to do the same, or even receive input from time to time.

I feel like I'm just beginning my spiritual journey, now that I've broken out of my shell a bit. I seem to have just as many questions now as I had as a child (yes, I was one of those that would annoy adults by asking clarifying questions to nearly everything, most of which no one had answers for). The problem with this is that I stopped asking so many questions; I accepted things as truth despite inconsistencies or real explanations. I'm happy to say I'm getting back to being me, though it seems fear of nonacceptance still holds me back. I'm still not sure why I care so much what others think of me. Maybe it's been my only tool to gauge my own sanity; if everyone around you says you're sane, you must be, right? Recently though, someone who I used to admire and look to for truth, I found out is very mentally unstable. They talk a good talk, and when their voice is all you hear, it's no surprise you take it as truth. My point is, people can say anything, can twist anything to their own agenda; but watch their actions, watch how they live their life or treat others (Matthew 7:16). It also seems that since I was never good enough for parents and other people, I constantly do things to gain approval. But friendship and family isn't about what you can do for each other, but about love. Either way, I can't see any real, justifiable reason to worry about what others think of me, so I need to let it go. I've always been worried about becoming arrogant or self-centered, but I've realized that if you don't take care of yourself first, you can't hope to take care of others without damaging yourself in the process. Sometimes the latter is still necessary though... A lot of what we see as necessary, it seems to me, doesn't have to be if we just tried improving ourselves from the inside. But, more on that later, when I've had ample time to gather my thoughts.

I want to talk more on writing. I love writing, and I've even been trying to get into Camp NaNoWriMo to help motivate me. Needless to say, it doesn't help as much as I hoped. But it is something... The struggle with it is the same with any of my art projects; the negativity felt from the pain and lack of focus, blah blah blah... I've already talked a lot about this in earlier posts, and I don't need to prove myself to anyone. However, on the subject of limitations, I've noticed one specific difficulty I have with writing; when I'm telling someone of an event, I often simply give the facts as I see them, trying to keep emotion out of it (so their own opinion isn't influenced by mine). I think that kinda carries over into my writing... I'm not good with expressing my emotions, and the key to good writing (at least, when it comes to fiction) is by grabbing the reader and plunking them into the character's shoes. I want to be able to help the reader FEEL what the character is feeling, but I really don't know how to do that. I remember a writing teacher that came to the Rebuild while we were homeless, talked about trying to describe things as you would, to someone who didn't have that sense; (something like “the apple was the color of a hot summer day, but refreshing as a splash of water”). But trying to do that with emotions... You'd essentially have to describe emotions, likening them to the other senses. I need to contemplate this more...

In other news, while I haven't been doing much in the ways of traditional art, I have been playing Minecraft. Until I get a crap-ton of Legos, this satisfies a deep need for building stuff I'll be posting some of what I've made so far (in fact, might even make a folder specifically for it). Nothing as elaborate as the Death Star or Enterprise replicas, but I've still invested a lot of work into them not to share (besides, let's see them do those on survival mode without mods or cheats ). Anyway, that's it for now. Stay good, people.